Flightster

7 reasons why flying sucks

• by Jools Stone
• on September 9th, 2010
• 9 Comments

I remember a time when flying seemed almost impossibly glamorous.  When I was at school we always took our family holidays in Devon and Cornwall,  a picture-postcard pretty corner of South-West England, long before the word ‘staycation’  entered the vernacular. It was largely driven by financial and practical necessity.  My dad was born in Italy and battled for years to establish his British citizenship, leaving him without a passport for many a holiday season.  So when I was old enough to make my own trips I embraced flying full on. It was my golden ticket out of dreary Blighty and workplace drudgery. Stepping onto the runway felt special – I felt like a rock star. Like that old footage you see of the Beatles dashing to avoid their frenzied fans on the tarmac. But the shoddy experience served up by budget airlines over the years broke that spell soon enough and I’ve swung full circle back to my rail routes.

Now flying feels like a chore, an occasionally necessary evil. There are times when you can’t avoid it of course. Those pesky oceans make continent-hopping without wings an expensive and time-consuming luxury way beyond most people’s resources, but could you really say that flying is hard to resist?  Here are just a few of the many reasons why I’d sooner take a train any day. And I won’t even mention the whole environmental argument (d’oh!)

1. Baggage Restrictions

Who hasn’t suffered the embarrassment of having to unpack their case at the check-in desk and redistribute the contents into their carry-on bag,  jettisoning their underpants and furry travel mascot for all the world to see?  And as terrorists dream up more inventive ways to blow us all sky high in the sky, so the restrictions get more draconian.

2. A View to a Thrill?

Save for the short period of taking off and landing, flying gives you few opportunities to take in the view, unless you enjoy having your head in the clouds.  Contrast that with some of the amazing vistas you can take in travelling overland: swishing through the mountain passes of St Moritz and Zematt on the Glacier Express; on a 20-kilometre trip through Sognefjord, the world’s largest fjord, on Norway’s Flam Railway; shuttling past sweeping Adelaide plains as you cross Australia on the Ghan Train; or scaling up the Rockies on board the California Zephyr.

3. Airports

The nausea of air travel begins long before you’ve boarded. It starts at the airport.  They can vary depending on where you are in the world of course, but there is a certain air of listlessness common to all. The cookie cutter shops, the vacant luggage carousels moving at glacial speed (which usually force you to watch a single, sorry, often surreal item – sometimes a snowshoe, sometimes just a broken suitcase handle – doing its woebegone circuit ). The vaguely depressing choice of food and drink outlets (Edinburgh Airport has possibly the world’s least authentic Irish Bar),  the cattle herd tensa barriers, those airless, grey ceiling-panelled holding areas, those little pens outside airport forecourts in which smokers are humiliatingly batched,  the list goes on.

4. The Waiting (to board) Game

Remember that scene from Meet the Parents when Ben Stiller is repeatedly  made to wait to board until called, despite being the only person checking in for that flight?  It’s funny because it’s so true. The departure screens hysterically flash crimson with FINAL CALL!  So you sprint to your gate to find a rabble of your fellow passengers impatiently shuffling about in something vaguely resembling a queue… and nothing else happens for at least 20 minutes.

5. Babies on Board

The increasing infantalisation of  flying really grates. No doubt there are legal imperatives behind much of it, leaving the poor beleaguered flight attendants with little choice, but you just don’t experience the same level of insane mollycoddling on other transport do you?  Have you got your seatbelt on?  Take care not to slip on the stairs on your way out.  Stow that tray table (and have you ever heard the word ‘stow’ used in another context?) and ensure your overhead locker is securely fastened (it’s never just shut, ‘securely fastened’ sounds much more authoritative.)  Cos if you don’t, we’ll be round soon children to see who’s been naughty and nice!  We also like to go on litter patrol at regular intervals throughout the journey.  If it’s a bumpy enough ride we might even do a diaper collection service to save you getting up to use the toilet, adults included.

5. Death by Announcement

On a similar note: do we really need our headspace invaded every few minutes?  On a sleeper train from Paris to Venice I think I registered just one announcement for the duration of the 13-hour journey. Worse still are the chirpy,  promotional jingles belched out on Ryanair flights every five minutes to buy their stupid ‘Bullseye Baggy’ spirits, scratch cards and ghastly branded gifts: has anyone ever been desperate enough for a holiday gift to plump for an easyjet teddy bear key ring on board their return flight? You can’t even drown them out with your mp3 player, since these are verboten during taking off or landing.

7. Transfers from the Middle of Nowhere

Ryanair’s Vienna airport famously stretches credulity by being situated in Bratislava,  over 60 kilometres across the border in Slovenia!  Even the most well situated airports are a good 30 minutes’ transfer time from the city centre, with most public transport transfer services extortionately priced. A return fare on the London Gatwick Express (the quickest option to get you into London proper at 35 minutes) currently costs £28.70, this is more than many international budget flights these days.  Whereas most major rail hubs deliver you right into the heart of the city action.

These are not exactly earth-shattering revelations I know.  I think few people enjoy the experience of flying any more than I do.  But we tolerate it, largely because since the seemingly irresistible rise of budget airlines in the past decade or so, other modes of transport seem unable to compete financially. But on those occasions when there isn’t too wide a gulf in price and time maybe it’s worth stumping up a few extra sheckles and sacrificing an hour or two of journey time.  Holidays are precious commodities for most, so take a journey you can really savour for a change. One that starts the moment you breathe a sigh of relief as you slam your front door behind you.

What do you think?

Jools Stone

Jools Stone's blog, He Thought of Trains, chronicles the highs - and occasional lows - of traveling by train in an age of budget flights.